Answers to Questions Parents Ask

Q. I just realized that I only have a few weeks left to finalize plans for the activities and childcare that my kids (ages 12, 7 and 3) need during the summer months. How do I find out what's available in Talbot County and how do I decide what will work best for my children?

A. First, realize that kids of different ages will need different types of care and activities. Your three year old might be happy at home at least some of the time with you or a sitter as long as there are play dates and other diversions, but if he or she is used to going somewhere every day, regular (if only part-time) daycare in a setting with other children is probably a good idea. For your older children, Talbot County organizations offer a wide array of summer programs - both daycare and camp - for kids. Fine and theatre arts, swimming, tennis and horseback riding, general recreation and field trips are among the many activities Talbot kids can enjoy while parents work outside the home or in.. We suggest that you call the Talbot Family Network, 410/ 822-2616, for assistance in making choices regarding day care, after school care, camp or babysitting arrangements for your children.

Q. My kids spend several weekends at the beach in the summer. My son is nine and can hardly sit still long enough to put on sunscreen, and my 15-year old daughter is obsessed with tanning. I know that in the longterm, sunburn is a cause of skin cancer, but do I need to be concerned now?

A. Absolutely. Approximately 80 percent of lifetime sun exposure occurs before the age of 18 when an immature immune system and fast-growing cells make skin more susceptible to ultraviolet rays. In one study, blistering sunburns at 15 to 20 years of age were associated with significantly increased risk for skin cancer later in life.

Your children's resistance to concerns about sun exposure is typical. Only one-third of girls and even fewer boys use any sunscreen at all. Remember that what you do or don't do to protect your own skin will be noticed by your kids -- in one study, girls whose parents used tanning salons (which are just as damaging as sunlight) were likely to use them, too. Beyond being a good role model, try to get your kids to take the following measures: Use sunscreen with a sun protection factor (SPF) of 15 or higher and reapply frequently, particularly after swimming, toweling or perspiring. Wear long sleeves and white clothing and also wide-brimmed hats. Avoid being in the sun during midday, 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.

Q. What's the best way to prepare a three-year-old for the arrival of a new baby?

A. Include your child in some prenatal doctor visits and read books together, such as Our New Baby, that describe what life will be like with the new baby in the house. So that your child will learn there's a time to be playful and a time to be calm around an infant, role play and model calm behavior, and provide practice in appropriate behaviors before the baby arrives. Another idea is to put a picture of your pre-schooler in the baby's room with a sign that says "big sister" or "big brother," and talk about all the ways he or she can be a helper when the baby arrives, for example, by getting diapers or wipes, bringing in the mail, and performing other small duties. Stay positive and when the baby arrives, don't forget to give lots of hugs, kisses and praise to your child.

Q. My daughter is going into middle school and I don't know what to think about the drug situation. There will be so many changes and she will be in contact with older kids, so should I be worried?

A. Your child's entry into middle school is certainly not too soon to be concerned about her exposure to drug use, including tobacco and alcohol. While rates of use are relatively low among sixth graders in the Mid-Shore area, within just two years, the numbers rise dramatically. For example, on the most recent survey of Talbot County kids and teens, 19 percent of eighth graders had reported smoking cigarettes in the past 30 days; 32 percent reported having consumed some form of alcohol, 18 percent reported having smoked pot; and 10 percent reported having used a "designer drug" such as ecstasy or MDMA. Parents of daughters have additional reason to be concerned, since the most recent studies suggest that the sharpest increases in tobacco and alcohol use (especially binge drinking, which is defined as five or more drinks in one sitting) seem to be occurring among teenage girls. What can you do? Communicate clearly with your daughter about the dangers of alcohol and drug use, as well as about your expectations and rules, and also the consequences that will be imposed if rules are violated. Keeping close tabs on your middle schooler's social activities, interests, and friendships is also key.

A very effective way to encourage your daughter to stay drug-free (and also alcohol- and tobacco-free) is to join the Safe Homes Program. By enrolling in Safe Homes, you pledge not to tolerate underage alcohol consumption, smoking and drug use in your home and you receive certain benefits, such as a directory or Safe Homes families (so that you can communicate with other parents regarding teen events and parties) and a newsletter. Late in the summer of each year that any of your children enter a middle or high school grade in Talbot County Public Schools, you will receive a mailing inviting you to join Safe Homes.

"Guiding Good Choices," a five-session program for parents that addresses teen drug use in Talbot County and provides strategies for reducing the odds that your children will become involved in drug use, is offered periodically by the Talbot County Parent Education Office and can be arranged for groups in private homes, community centers, churches, etc. This program provides strategies for establishing family policies, rules and monitoring procedures, and getting and giving emotional support. To obtain more information about parenting education programs in Talbot County, contact the Parent Education Office, 410/819-8067.

Q. My husband and I have to tell our kids that we are separating and will be getting divorced. How can we minimize the anger and tears we expect from a five year-old boy, a nine year-old girl and a 15 year-old boy?

A. Informing children of a divorce is never an easy task, even if the situation is amicable. So it's good to anticipate what your children's reactions might be and how you might best handle those reactions.

Whatever the causes of your divorce, most family therapists agree that ideally, the task of telling your children should include the following objectives: having both parties present and participating in the discussion; avoiding blame while expressing your own sadness and disappointment; reassuring the children that the separation is due to problems between you and your spouse (and not due to anything they have done or not done); informing them about what kinds of changes the new living arrangement will mean for them on a day-to-day, week-to-week basis; and communicating how much you both love them and how committed you both are to being very present in their lives.

The way you stated your question reflects the concern many parents have that their children will be devastated by the news. It's natural that you are anxious about the pain your children will feel, but don't be so focused on minimizing that pain that they are unable to express their feelings. Let them cry. Acknowledge their anger and try to help them talk through it. Answer their questions, and realize that you may have to answer the same questions more than once. Encourage them to share their feelings and reactions so you can offer reassurance.

Also be as honest as possible. If you are sure that divorce is the outcome, say so. While some parents think that not doing so gives children "more time to get used to the idea," it also may give them false hopes that set them up for feelings of betrayal and anger when those hopes aren't realized. Many children, however tearfully or angrily they react at the news of a separation, report later that they were not really shocked. Your children, particularly the eldest, may know that your marriage has been in trouble and may also have a sense of what the issues are. For this reason, it is important not to lie - don't try to cover up circumstances that are obvious, and don't create excuses that will not hold up over time.

Ideally, the first discussion about the divorce will include the whole family. Afterward and throughout the divorce process, both parents will need to address each child's concerns in a caring and age-appropriate manner. Very young children need reassurance about their routines - who will be with them when, how often they will see the non-custodial parent and where, etc. Elementary school-aged kids are often concerned with knowing who is responsible for the problems in the marriage with the notion that they can make him or her change and everything will be back to normal. In this case, communicate to your child that this is a "grown up problem" between you and your husband, but that his or her needs will not get lost in the shuffle.

Pre-teens and teens have more complex concerns and may wonder what their parents' divorce means for their ability to form lasting relationships. As time goes by, talk with them about marriage (and relationships in general), but avoid sharing sensitive or detailed information that may make them feel conflicted or pressured to choose sides.

There are a number of books that guide parents in helping children cope with divorce, including Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce, by Gary Neuman, and Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by Edward Teyber. There are also many books about divorce that are written for parents and children to read together -- the Talbot County Library can help guide you in this regard.

Q. My 13-year old son likes to hang out at his friends' houses and also at the movie theatre, the bowling center and various parking lots around Easton. I know I should keep track of him, but how can I monitor his activities when he is not under my roof or when I am at work?

A. While it is difficult to keep up with any teenager, there are several things you can do. Research shows that teens who understand their parents' strong expectations regarding their good behavior -- and also believe that not meeting those expectations will result in consequences -- are less than half as likely to engage in drug and alcohol use than those who are given freer rein.

So, begin by making sure your son clearly understands your expectations; for example, that he doesn't engage in drug, tobacco or alcohol use, that there is an adult present at any home he visits, what time he is to return home, and which (if any) places or people are off limits. Also be sure that you remind him periodically of the consequences that will be imposed if he does not follow your guidelines and rules. If he does break a rule, enforce those consequences fully.

You should also check up on his plans by calling other parents (and let him know that you may do this any time), and require that if there are changes in the agreed-upon plan midway through a social outing or event, he must call you immediately to get the okay from you. If you feel unsure about what is really going on, require that he call you from a land-line telephone (rather than a cell phone) so you can verify his whereabouts. There are other "protective" measures you can take as well; for example, if he is attending a concert or party that you think might involve drug and/or alcohol use, purchase a home breathalyzer kit (and let him know you have it!) and/or make him agree to a drug test the morning after (call TurnAround, 410/819-5900 for details).

Most of all, remember your rights and responsibilities as a parent - "trust and verify" when it comes to your teen's social activities.

Q. Now that my daughter is about to become a teenager, I'm not sure what health concerns I should be on the lookout for. And, is 12 too young for her to start being responsible for her diet and other health habits?

A. Teen health issues are different from those of younger children, and now is a very good time for you to pay close attention to your daughter's health and maturation. By age 12, most girls are showing some signs of puberty so it's likely that she is beginning to experience physical, psychological and emotional changes. She may be more sensitive about her body and more concerned about fitting in with her peers. Encourage her to talk to you about how sees herself so you can reassure her that some girls mature faster than others, and that she is coming along just fine.

Diet is very important during adolescence. Many teens fill up on salty and sugary snacks, fast food and sodas. They may skip breakfast, consume snacks and sodas at lunch, and eat large amounts at night. This has a negative effect on school performance and promotes excess weight gain and nutritional deficiencies. Iron and calcium are often deficient in teenage girls, so in addition to promoting a well-balanced diet, make sure your daughter is getting 15 to 18 milligrams of iron (meats, eggs, green leafy vegetables and a multivitamin with iron) and 1500 milligrams of calcium (milk, cheese and yogurt, also fortified juices and cereals) every day. These nutrients are not only very important to her growth and bone development but may help reduce menstrual cramps.

Obesity among teens is becoming an increasingly significant problem. Because of poor diet and little exercise, many teens are not only obese but are developing serious symptoms such as elevated cholesterol or blood pressure and Type II diabetes. Don't assume an overweight child will "grow out of it" - seek guidance from her pediatrician.

Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia are most likely to occur in teenage girls and young women. These disorders can cause serious, long-term health problems. Watch for weight loss and changes in eating habits, such as food avoidance or gorging, and if you have any reason to believe your daughter is becoming obsessive about what she eats or about being thin, seek medical attention promptly.

Another unfortunate teen trend is the increase in smoking, especially among girls. Teens become addicted much more quickly than adults by virtue of the biochemistry of the still-developing brain, and it's now proven that quitting tobacco is much harder for those who took up the habit during their teen years than for those who started later. Smoking as a teenager also significantly increases the risk of developing breast cancer later in life. Unfortunately, teenagers generally don't worry about long-term health risks, so it's up to you make smoking unacceptable.

Likewise alcohol and other drugs. In Talbot County, kids as young as 11 or 12 report easy access to both, especially beer and marijuana. However, you can reduce the likelihood of drinking and drug abuse by your daughter as much as 50 percent by making sure she understands that drugs and alcohol use are not acceptable to you, by monitoring her whereabouts and activities, and by imposing consequences if family rules are not respected.

It's appropriate for your daughter to begin taking responsibility for her health as long as you provide plenty of guidance and support. She needs to understand not only what she must do but how and why, and she will need a lot of positive reinforcement. Don't underestimate the power of peer pressure, and do set a good example in your own habits and self-care. Give her the information and opportunity to make good choices, and offer high praise when she does.

Q. I'm a single mother of a ninth grade daughter who is "forgetting" to call and check in, going home with kids whose parents are at work, missing her curfew, and so on. She accuses me of not trusting her -- and in fact, she's not always entirely honest. What can I do?

A. One strategy is to have family meetings to set rules and make sure everyone understands them. At these meetings, you can negotiate with your kids so that new freedoms are extended only as responsibilities are met; for example, a later curfew won't be offered to a child who consistently fails to come home on time. This is also a time to establish consequences - then make sure you stick to them. A 14-year old girl who consistently goes places she has been told not to go (such as homes where no adult is present) may be more likely to change her behavior once it's clear that punishment is certain and will involve loss of privileges. If your daughter's resistance is making you doubt yourself, remember that teenagers often feel so invincible that nearly any rule strikes them as unnecessary and annoying. You know better, so stand your ground. One step you might take is to find out if your rules are similar to those in the homes of your daughter's friends. This requires contacting parents, even some you don't know, but chances are they will be glad to hear from another concerned parent. Comparing notes may be helpful to them as well as to you, and also opens a line of communication for the future.

When you do discuss with your daughter where she's allowed to go and with whom bear in mind that " scare tactics" - focusing on the potential worst-case scenarios that result from say, underage drinking or drug use -- don't have much impact. So, you might encourage her to think her own way through to possible outcomes of bad decisions (for example, by asking open-ended questions, "What do you think would happen if …"). Try to avoid long arguments about the "whys and wherefores" of your rules, and focus on making her understand that these rules are firm by using consistent and appropriate consequences.

Finally, many parents feel worn down by the arguing and lying that often come with adolescence. Your frustration and disappointment are understandable, but keep in mind that the job of adolescence is to "separate" from one's parents, and many teens will use arguing and lying to achieve their independence. Deal with deception in your teenager the same way you did when she was younger - not as a personal affront to you that you are hurt by, but as unacceptable behavior.

For more information on monitoring your teenager, consult the website, www.parentingteens.com.

Q. I found a "bong" for smoking marijuana in my 15 year-old son's laundry. He first denied it was his but later admitted trying marijuana several times in the past month. When I said it's against the law, he replied that "a lot of kids do it" and pointed out that I used it in college and it didn't do me any harm. How can can I convince him without sounding like a hypocrite?

A. First, put aside your personal experience with the drug. The marijuana being sold today is several times more toxic (i.e., cancer causing) and more potent (i.e., intoxicating and addictive) than the marijuana of 20 years ago. Recent research has shown that marijuana damages the immune system as well as memory and learning skills, and that teens who smoke it are less likely to develop the motivation and concentration required for success in school and life. Other studies indicate that it is highly addictive, particularly in teens -- in fact, more teens are in treatment for marijuana addiction than for all other drugs combined. The younger a teen is when he begins using marijuana, the more likely he is to become dependent on the drug. Those who develop dependency are much more likely than their non-using peers to develop psychological and addiction problems, not just in the short-term but well into adulthood. Second, your son's rationalization that "all the kids do it" is untrue. According to the latest Maryland Adolescent Survey, only one in five Talbot County eighth graders reported using the marijuana during the previous 30 days.

You pointed out to your son that the drug is illegal, now discuss what that means. If he is arrested for using, possessing or distributing marijuana, the consequences are likely to be damaging for him and unpleasant and expensive for you. Do you want to see your son excluded from extracurricular activities, suspended from his school, enrolled in Drug Court, avoided by other families? And even if he is not arrested, bear in mind that marijuana use is associated with high-risk behaviors such as unprotected sex and impaired driving -- as well as the progression to other kinds of drug use.

But what can you actually do? When your son was little, you made him wear his seatbelt even if he resisted. Now as then, you are the parent and your knowledge and judgment are superior. You must firmly establish and clearly communicate your rules, expectations and consequences regarding drug use. If your expectations aren't met, make sure those consequences are imposed. Also, get to know his friends and their parents and check in frequently regarding social plans and supervision of teens their homes.

It's important to be proactive. If you believe that your son continues to use marijuana or any drug, call TurnAround, TCHD's confidential, free and drug screening program for adolescents and their parents. For a comprehensive "tipsheet" on how to raise safe and healthy teens, call Talbot Partnership, 410/819-8067 or e-mail tips@talbotpartnership.org.

Q. When I was bathing my first grader and a little friend who came to spend the night, I noticed that the guest had a circle-shaped rash on her neck, which turned out to be ringworm. I know ringworm is contagious - what can I do to make sure that my daughter doesn't get it?

A. Ringworm is a highly contagious fungal infection that spreads easily among children because they touch a lot and also share toys, towels, combs, pencils, and so forth. Any child who has the infection should not be bathing with another child. In fact, some schools (including Talbot public schools) and childcare centers require that parents provide proof of treatment for their child's ringworm and that the affected area covered during the school day.

There are two kinds of ringworm in children, body ringworm (tinea corporis) and scalp ringworm (tinea capitis). The former is a scaly and often circular patch on the body; the latter can cause blisters or a black-dotted rash on the scalp that may result in a bald patch. Untreated, scalp ringworm can lead to scarring and permanent hair loss. If your child does show symptoms, a pediatrician or school health nurse can diagnose the rash either by taking scrapings or viewing the area under ultraviolet light. Ringworm is treated with over-the-counter anti-fungal medications that usually are applied for two weeks or more to make sure that the infection clears completely. Be sure to inform your child's teacher or childcare manager of an infection to reduce spreading to other children.